I am back-dating this post to the time from which I’ve found these comments and poems, but I am also working to put all of this into the context of several years and two escapes later.
The first escape is the one I was just beginning to engineer in 12015 HE, when I realized that I was trapped, a second time, in a cage with a person who’d promised to protect and care for me, but who in fact took advantage of my situation to lure me into an even more damaging situation. In both cases I was at the mercy financially and emotionally and physically of a stronger adversary who had the respect, or at least the fear, of those around us, so I felt afraid to go to the authorities, or to anyone else for that matter. When you are not believed at 6 years old, you learn that you will never be believed, and you act accordingly. So, I planned my own way out, such as it was, in each case.
While assessing my situation and planning, I also needed to build my toolset, so learning marketable languages from places I’d lived was a first step, and as I reviewed, I noted a funny thing: languages often promote contention, especially among neighbors. For instance, sometimes Yes really can mean NO:
Spanish: Si! == yes at all times,
French: Si! == yes, but only when disagreeing with someone!
Greek: Ne == Yes,
Turkish: Ne == What?
Now we know why neighbors argue so much!
(written about March, 12014 HE…)
One poem from that time is based on this delight of learning languages, or at least pulling something good, learning a language, from the ashes of my life, while wondering what I would do if given the choice: how I would ‘follow my passion,’ if I knew what that was:
And yet I could not stop wondering:
What holds me back?
(written “28.5.12015 HE juedi”…)
This initial personal journal page (possible light trigger warning) is meant not for my readers, but TheList for myself and other women starting the journey to self-rescue, to continue to help remind and explain to myself how important keeping track and looking back can be. Now that I am here, I finally feel safe(r).
Peace to all,